Seth 383
Relationships and the Family Community (Including a Family Argument!)
Tuesday August12, 2008
8:25 PM
Seth… Good evening. Pleasure to have you here with us this evening. Under some house keeping ideas or statements: Before anybody has the necessity to ask, the reason for the man through whom I speak had his problems, obvious because one never has any difficulties unless you create them yourself. Second, the reason that it is both eyes were now affected is as he has stated he keeps thinking of a gentleman called George Josephson who had both eyes affected therefore he created in the same way. That should answer all questions on that particular subject.
Moving along, I am going to speak this evening about the idea of relationships. It is quite obvious that all who sit around the table this evening have major defects when it comes to relationship issues. First relationship anyone has is of course with self. To put this as gently as we can, none of you have even have a passing relationship with yourself that one might call prosperous since all of you suffer and are truly selfish with your relationship issues in general. When one lives in a family community the idea of exclusion is important. Each of you tends to exclude the requirements of others. You become self centered and seek only for self. Are you the individual who becomes so wrapped up within themselves that you tend to focus on problem solving instead of focusing on larger issues? Are you the individual who has no true sense of give and take? If I do this, you must do that. You seek an equal balance at all times. Are you the individual when faced with adversity chooses to exclude and then push away individuals who do not meet your expectations? Are you the individual who had little or no tolerance for other’s errors in judgment? Do you criticize without thinking? These type of relationship issues plague mature souls. When given advice how often do you follow that advice but look to do as little as you can in improving yourself? The lie here to self is obvious, “I am doing so much but you do not see it or appreciate it.” An example of this is easily seen in the relationship issues between Jasmine and Isabella. The advice that I had given was meant to be a stabilizing influence between the two warring parties! I had suggested that Isabella write down the things she does so that others may notice. If one could look at the idea of promoting a relationship, that list should include events that were taken on by Isabella that were not asked for by another. That list should include the idea of an acknowledgement by the other for the extra effort that had been brought forth. It is not enough to become repetitious in a communal environment since it fosters a dependency on that particular individual.
Jasmine… I don’t really understand that.
Seth… Simply put, let us assume that the man through whom I speak routinely makes your coffee every morning. If that occurs routinely one expects that individual to do that and it leads quite often to the unfortunate fact that individuals become annoyed or bothered when that individual does not fulfill his perceived actions.
Jasmine… I understand what you are saying yet I feel that in many homes certain jobs, for example, are generally taken on by one party or the other. For example, the wife will do the grocery shopping. The husband will take out the garbage.
Seth… That’s not what I said, you are interpreting this in a very linear, strict fashion.
Jasmine… You said, it’s not enough to become repetitious in a communal environment since it fosters a dependency on that particular individual, and you gave the example of Jerry always making the coffee.
Seth… Correct.
Jasmine… So, isn’t that the same as a wife who always does the grocery shopping?
Seth… Yes, but that still doesn’t answer your problem. Your problem is simply this: that if the wife who is doing the grocery shopping needs assistance because she cannot there is nothing wrong with the husband saying, I know you cannot, I will. But that shouldn’t be made, well I can’t do it today and I can’t do it tomorrow and I can’t do it the next day.
Jasmine… Who on the husband?
Seth… Of the wife, the wife’s part.
Jasmine… The wife’s part?
Seth… For the husband to say, I know you are going to be busy, I will help you out in this instance. There has to be a flexibility between all members of a community. Where there is no flexibility there is anger.
Isabella… Can I ask a question?
Seth… Let me finish one statement and then, yes. The perception of being made into a victim is due to the fact that that individual perceives themselves as being forced to do things against their will. So, they rebel and do not do things in a timely manner fostering our other individual to “pick on them.”
Jasmine… Could you hold on a minute? Perception of being made into a victim is due to the fact that that individual feels forced into doing things against their will. That’s all I got.
Stephanie… So, they rebel and do not do things in a timely manner fostering our other individual to “Pick on them.”
Seth… An example of prevention here may be seen in the idea that Shirley Sara and her husband Louis (Jerry’s parents) presented many years ago. It was simple but certainly effective. If you are first on the scene and a job has to be done. Do it and do not complain about the fact that you did it. Seek no accolades from this type of action. In a communal setting no one should demand approval from others.
Isabella… May I ask my question now?
Seth… One second, one more sentence and you may ask your question.
Look at the concept of change and see how it fits in with this material. Go ahead.
Isabella… So, in the idea of the sugar that I left out on the counter, obviously not on purpose, by accident I left it on the counter and Mom came in and saw it and instead of putting it away she waited until it obviously was bothering her that it was there then just to proceed to tell me to put the sugar away. So, she was first on scene, should she have just put the sugar away if it was a simple mistake of me leaving it out?
Seth… Whose responsibility, was it?
Isabella… To put it away? Mine, but I forgot.
Seth… How long was the sugar out?
Isabella… Less then…
Seth… You will give me a moment… go ahead.
Isabella… One day. Yeah, one day. I used it today this morning.
Seth… That sugar was out there by my viewpoint for two and a half days.
Isabella… No, it was not out for two and a half days.
Seth… It absolutely was.
Isabella… Okay.
Seth… But that still isn’t the issue. Let us assume that you wanted the sugar out there for whatever reason you had.
Isabella… Okay.
Seth… And of course, it matters not, did you state to Jasmine, “Please leave this here I will remove it or put it back because I know it is my responsibility.”
Isabella… I didn’t state that, no.
Seth… If you had stated that she has no problem.
Isabella… I completely disagree.
Seth… Excuse me, you have asked in a communal setting…
Isabella… She would not want it left there, even if I wanted it out, she would not want it out.
Seth… If you stated, please do this for me because I need it here for the following reasons, whatever that reason may have been.
Isabella… So then basically what you are saying about being the first on the scene is not true.
Seth… It is true. For example, if you see a large dust on the floor.
Isabella… Em hmm.
Seth… Do you routinely pick it up?
Isabella… Do I routinely pick it up if I see dust?
Seth… Dog hair?
Isabella… If I see dog… if I created it? Yes.
Seth… No. Whose dog lives in the house?
Isabella… My dog.
Seth… Whose dog lives in the house?
Jasmine… Her dog.
Seth… Wrong, all of yours. Both of you are incorrect. That dog is part of a communal setting. So, if you see dog hair and dust on the floor whether you caused it…
Isabella… Em hmm.
Seth… or not. Whose responsibility should it become to clean it up, vacuum it up or do something?
Isabella… the person who sees it.
Seth… Correct. That’s being first on the scene.
Isabella… Okay, but that’s not how things get played out here. If Mom…
Seth… Excuse me.
Isabella… sees hair on the floor she’ll say Isabella there is hair in the living room go pick it up.
Jasmine… Only because you pulled it out and left it there.
Isabella… He’s saying it doesn’t matter.
Jasmine… No, you pulled it out and left it there after I had vacuumed several times.
Seth… If you did it then it’s your responsibility to do it.
Jasmine… If you pull out the dog hair, please clean it up.
Isabella… But now what if I, what if I… I forgot.
Seth… If you forget…
Isabella… Like what if I just, we were all playing, we were just sitting there, she’s running around, and I completely didn’t remember that I pulled out a piece of hair at the time.
Seth… If you just forgot, then it is your responsibility to say I’m sorry I just forgot.
Isabella… Okay so then she should leave it until I… (The phone rings and Jasmine answers it, Frank says something to Isabella that is not clear.) Well obviously, she feels badly enough to the point where she’s got to point it out to me.
Seth… But again, you’re shirking your responsibility by saying somebody else sees it.
Isabella… I’m not shirking responsibility.
Seth… Certainly, you are.
Isabella… No, I am absolutely not, that’s fine but I… but my idea is if something is there then you take care of it regardless of who’s it is.
Seth… Except you do not do this.
Isabella… That’s not true; I clean up (for) my father everyday. I clean up my father’s stuff every single day.
Seth… That argument is not pertinent.
Isabella… Why? He leaves his stuff out all the time. Why is that not pertinent?
Seth… He is responsible for himself.
Isabella… But he doesn’t so we do it for him.
Seth… No, excuse me. There is no excuse for that.
Isabella… Okay but it is what it is. I mean this is who he is, he leaves his mugs, he leaves his plates, he leaves his pans out, he leaves whatever and I do it every day. So why is it that if someone sees a piece of dog hair on the floor and it’s bothering somebody so much why is it a big deal?
Seth… If we have to weigh and measure everything that goes on in any familiar situation; there are people who tend to do more…
Isabella… Of course.
Seth… and there are people who tend to do less.
Isabella… Obviously.
Seth… You do not measure what you do for someone else about what you should being doing for yourself. This is a self issue.
Jasmine… I have to say one thing. In the context of the dog hair…
Isabella… Em.
Jasmine… that you pull out…
Isabella… Em hmm.
Jasmine… have I asked you to take care of that when you do it?
Isabella… Yes, and you don’t even know how much hair I pull out.
Jasmine… So, the point I am making is when I saw this little file in the living room, I simply said to you, Isabella when you have a chance go clean up that hair.
Isabella… And I did without a problem.
Jasmine… So, was there anything wrong with the way I asked you?
Isabella… No, I was just using it as an example as to first person on the scene.
Jasmine… But if this something I have brought to your attention, if you are going to pull the dog’s hair out you need to be the one to take it right away and clean it up.
Isabella… I obviously understand that but maybe something happened where people were in the living room, and I forgot! So, this is where your problem of me not being perfect is an issue. If I forgot one time of the million and a half times that I pick up dog hair out of her which is at least eighty times a day and in every single room in the house the one time I forget it’s like you harp on me about it.
Seth… Now therein is a situation that should have been written down on your list or comment made by Jasmine. In other words, I have asked you to pull dog hair out, you did not, I did it for you. You want a weight and balance situation.
Isabella… But she doesn’t do it so then she’ll bring it up to me.
Seth… Excuse me, how long ago did I tell you to keep an accurate list of that which you do?
Isabella… A long time ago.
Seth… And how long has it been since you’ve done it?
Isabella… A very long time.
Seth… Please tell me who is at fault?
Isabella… Me.
Seth… I have no other comment to make on that particular subject because it makes no sense. If you are not willing to a) write it down, b) see a comment and remember what bothers you most is the repetition of asking.
Isabella… I don’t know if it is the repetition of asking…
Seth… Of course, it is.
Isabella… that bothers me…
Seth… Of course, it is.
Isabella… or if it is the idea of…
Seth… It is the repetition of someone asking…
Isabella… I don’t blame if someone told me to do something and I forget to do it…
Seth… You are still misunderstanding, stop! Repetition of asking (Seth raps on the table to indicate to take notes) literally means being reminded to do any number of specific tasks. One tends to resent someone saying, “Please take out the garbage, please water the flowers, please cut the grass, please pick up the dry cleaning.” It is not a specific item such as, I told you to pick up the dry cleaning, what happened? I just forgot. And the next day, I thought you said you were going to get the dry cleaning? Ah, I can’t believe I forgot it. How come you didn’t pick up the dry cleaning, it’s three days now. You know something I just can’t get it into my head, I’m sorry. At that point the first person is angry that our second individual is not listening, our second individual feels that they are being nagged and pushed into doing things because they legitimately forgot. So, no matter which scenario you use it is the repetition of being asked that is the problem. And the way you do that is very simple…
Jasmine… The way you fix that?
Seth… Yes. When someone asks you to so something you must immediately do it. Obviously, you can’t immediately at ten o’clock at night to get the dry cleaning unless you happen to have a twenty-four-hour Dry Cleaners.
Isabella… But what if it’s a million things?
Seth… So what? Are they your responsibility?
Isabella… Some yes, some no.
Seth… Well, if the ones are not your responsibility, did you say, well how come you are asking me to do this, it’s not my responsibility. I didn’t do this.
Isabella… Yeah, I’ve asked that and then I get yelled at about the fact that I am not helping and assisting in the house.
Seth… Well, let me give you a good example of an idea that happened just this evening and should not have happened.
Isabella… Em.
Seth… When your evening supper was over, (Seth rapped on the table to indicate note taking,) you immediately cleaned up only for you.
Isabella… Well everyone was still eating.
Seth… Why did you leave the table?
Isabella… Because I went to take medicine for my head.
Seth… So, you took the medicine, did you come immediately downstairs?
Isabella… I laid down for a few minutes because I thought I was going to throw up.
Seth… Excuse me.
Isabella… I was not trying to get out of cleaning. I was legitimately, was feeling…
Seth… Excuse me, we’re not saying that you did feel well or didn’t feel well. I am saying very simply you walked away from the table…
Isabella… I unclear, I sat there.
Seth… and…
Isabella… Mom said go get some Tylenol.
Seth… and…
Isabella… Go take some pills.
Seth… Are you finished?
Isabella… I’m just explaining what happened.
Seth… I understand what happened. I’m more understanding than you could ever possibly ever imagine.
Isabella… Okay.
Seth… But you did not say, I still don’t feel well, I’m going to lie down, please excuse me from helping.
Isabella… No, I didn’t do that.
Seth… No, and therefore it was your responsibility to say that. Therefore, the four others looked at you as the fact that you shirked your responsibility.
Isabella… Well, my responsibility is supposedly to take care of my stuff.
Seth… Correct.
Isabella… That is what we have been discussing in the last couple of days that I didn’t take care of my things. I took care of my things.
Seth… Did you tell anyone else?
Isabella… Ah… they all saw me take my stuff. I cleaned up my things.
Seth… That means that no one else should do anything for you but their stuff and leave you alone.
Isabella… Well, that’s, that is what we decided to do.
Seth… Absolutely not.
Jasmine… No, you said that.
Isabella… No? You said this to me yesterday.
Seth… Excuse me. You may work this between you later. But if you’re living in a communal setup, you cannot and should not only take care of yourself. That is the reason why I state to you very clearly and in a strong tone, “Do not leave this home!” Both of you, you and you, (Indicating Jasmine and Isabella.) must learn how to live in a communal setting. And you are not doing it!
Jasmine… There’s another piece here. Isabella doesn’t understand that when I ask her to do something like simply to take her, she uses the recyclable shopping bags for her shopping, to please take them to her car. They had been hanging on the doorknob for four or five days, she was angry. I mentioned…
Seth… Excuse me…
Jasmine… you’ve been on me all day.
Seth… Were those bags annoying you?
Jasmine… Yes.
Seth… Take them upstairs and put them in her room. You don’t have to… You do not have to go ahead and become so angry and upset that you now make yourself a victim and then try to make her one.
Jasmine… If you’re asking me to do that then we will fall right back into the pattern we were in all year long which was that she leaves her shoes here and I take them upstairs.
Seth… No…
Jasmine… She leaves her pocketbook here; I take it upstairs…
Seth… Whose responsibility is it?
Jasmine… She leaves her mail here; I take it upstairs…
Seth… It is very simple…
Jasmine… She leaves her shopping bags here; I take it upstairs…
Seth… Are you finished?
Jasmine… And that is not going to continue because…
Seth… Excuse me…
Jasmine… it has made me very angry.
Seth… Are you finished? Are you finished? You can get as angry as you want but none of this (Unclear.) did you take up your shoes, no you did not. Well very simple, take the shoes and put them out on the porch so you don’t see them. There are many ways that you could do this without you getting angry. You don’t have to clean up after her. What you have to do is promote yourself.
Jasmine… It is cleaning up. If I have to move her shoes from here and move them to the porch, that’s cleaning up after her.
Seth… Oh, which is better, please show me which is better.
Jasmine… Upstairs is saying to Isabella; please bring your shoes upstairs.
Seth… And it is her responsibility to do it immediately; I’ve already stated that…
Jasmine… That’s right!
Seth… However, if she does not do that and you said it once you very nicely are going to say, the second time if you don’t so this, I’m going to take them and put them out on the porch. I’ll throw them out; I’ll do whatever I want with them because you’re not fulfilling your responsibilities.
Jasmine… Well, that’s basically what I said over the last day or so. But Isabella, I had asked her to take the dog’s collar and leash, not to leave them anymore on the kitchen table, to leave them, when she uses them on the white table out there. And so, then she took them off the table, I thought she had taken them there but then I saw them on the stairs. (Isabella said something.) So, a day or two later I said, Isabella, by the way you never took the chain and the leash out (Not clear but something about Isabella keeping it outside.) Fine! That’s the way…
Seth… Satisfactory resolution?
Jasmine… I expect it to be. I don’t expect her to get angry if I ask her to take something…
Seth… That’s her problem; do not make her problems yours.
Jasmine… Because I said to her since you are going out that way anyway go in your car take the garbage bag.
Isabella… But Mom…
Jasmine… What was wrong with that?
Isabella… Because I just woke up, it’s the first thing that you say to me in the morning is an order. The first thing you say to me is something to do. Isabella do this, Isabella do this, Isabella do this.
Jasmine… You were walking out the door.
Isabella… It doesn’t matter. Every day it’s the same thing. I wake up, Isabella do this, bring you shoes upstairs, do this, it’s every single day that’s all I hear from you.
Seth… But whose responsibility was it Isabella?
Isabella… It’s mine.
Jasmine… This is not just something that started a day or two ago! (Jasmine continues.)
Seth… You cannot win this argument Isabella since it was your responsibility not to leave them there in the beginning.
Isabella… I’m not trying to win or lose. I’m just saying what the dynamic of what’s happening.
Seth… But you cannot be annoyed or bothered when somebody says to you, you did not do this.
Isabella… If she said to me, how are you feeling this morning, okay?
Seth… That’s a different story.
Isabella… Okay? How are you doing this morning instead of the first thing I hear every single day that I wake up, it’s something to do.
Seth… Well, that’s…
Isabella… When she speaks that’s all I hear.
Seth… Because that’s what you hear.
Isabella… That is all I hear.
Seth… Well, let’s (Bickering between Jasmine and Isabella continues.) Excuse me both; I will separate both of you into two different rooms. Let us understand one thing.
Isabella… Why would I stay here in this environment? It is so much easier for me to move out.
Seth… Because you will learn nothing, and you will have the same problem with your husband.
Isabella… Well then, I guess I’ll have to learn then.
Seth… No, you will not, you will go through another divorce. (Isabella said something in disagreement.) Excuse me; my perceptions are far better than yours. (Isabella mumbling.). I give you fair warning.
Stephanie… You wouldn’t be so angry with your mom when she asks you something even if she does do it right in the morning had you been doing things regularly. You wouldn’t be hearing her voice in this way, and it would be an exception.
Isabella… I do feel like I do things regularly and I feel like I do, do so much.
Seth… Where is your list, please?
Isabella… I don’t. I’m not writing everything down.
Seth… Well please show me how that is profitable.
Isabella… If I wrote down every single thing that I did in this house it would be a three-page list every single day.
Seth… And so, what would be so terrible?
Isabella… It’s annoying.
Seth… Oh! So, you would rather have other people’s perception of what you do or do not do become more important than what you actually do?
Isabella… I guess not. I just feel like I am a guest in my parents’ house.
Seth… Because you are making yourself a guest.
Isabella… No, I am not.
Seth… Yes, you are.
Isabella… I’m not making myself a…
Seth… You certainly are. I’m not. (Isabella said something about Jasmine making her a guest.) No, no one can make you do anything. You create it. You create it. You take responsibility for your own creations. If you leave the shoes down there and she gets annoyed you created it.
Isabella… Yeah, well how…
Seth… If you make a list and prove how much or how little you are doing, they have nothing to say. Do they?
Isabella… I’m sure there will be something.
Seth… You don’t know that.
Isabella… They’ll do the one thing I forgot to do.
Seth… Then you can say I’m entitled to one thing.
Isabella… No, I’m not entitled to one thing. That’s the problem.
Stephanie… Because she asks you for one thing or many or several?
Isabella… It depends.
Stephanie… I mean she rattles off a list of three. If you were doing it all she wouldn’t be rattling off.
Isabella… Guess what! This is who I am. I forget things. I am not a person who remembers all the time. So, if I moved this from there to here and it wasn’t in my line of vision, I forgot! And I did it. She asked me to do it and oh shit, right I forgot, and I put it away. That was legitimate.
Stephanie… But things are here for days. It’s not just that you’re remiss for an hour or one day. So, it’s in your vision. It’s something that you’d (unclear…)
Isabella… Obviously not if I didn’t see them. There are a pair of shoes in the den that I left; I must have been on the phone, okay? I didn’t remember that I left them in there. I took them off and as soon as I got off the phone I got up, I walked around, I went upstairs, I did whatever. I didn’t remember that they were in there until the point when she said to me…
Jasmine… In the den? I didn’t see anything in the den.
Isabella… Not in the den, in the living room. Until the point when she said to me, Isabella, you have to go downstairs; you left your shoes in the den. Oh my god, okay, I forgot. I didn’t even realize that I took them off.
Jasmine… It wasn’t there they were right in the opening of…
Isabella… Yeah, but I wear them every single day.
Jasmine… Does that mean they live in the living room?
Isabella… No but I (unclear) just to go back outside.
Jasmine… No, they were there for that (unclear…)
Isabella… Absolutely not, I wear those shoes every single day.
Jasmine… Isabella, look you can say what…
Isabella… Your exaggerating!
Jasmine… I’m not exaggerating…
Isabella… You are, you are, Mom.
Jasmine… I watched those shoes there and I wondered when you would notice that they were there. So, I wouldn’t have to say, Isabella could you pick your shoes up.
Isabella… But I wear them every single day so it’s not even possible what you’re saying. It’s not. I wear them every day. (Jasmine sighs.) It’s not possible what you’re saying. You probably saw them for a day…
Seth… Let us move along.
Isabella… Because everything is an issue.
Seth… Let’s move along.
Isabella… It’s like you don’t let people live in your house.
Jasmine… If you could only stop thinking that you’re the only one that’s right and if you could open your mind…
Isabella… I don’t think I’m the only one that’s right. I will admit when I make mistakes…
Jasmine… Open your mind to the fact…
Isabella… You expect perfection from everybody, and nobody is perfect!
Jasmine… Believe me I don’t expect…
Isabella… Yeah, you did. Yes, you do.
Jasmine… All I expect is certain things.
Isabella… You expect perfection.
Seth… Let us go back to my original point…
Isabella… You expect perfection.
Seth… When you (Jasmine talking over), excuse me, Jasmine. The argument the both of you’re having serves no useful purpose. Isabella…
Isabella… Yup.
Seth… Are you going to make the list?
Isabella… Yup.
Seth… Then this portion of the subject is now officially closed in terms of your handling each other.
Isabella… No, there’s other things that need to be decided. There are other things that need to be discussed.
Seth… You may work that out between both of you. This lecture is not meant as a problem-solving situation in one evening.
Isabella… Well, I don’t think it’s possible that we sit down together and make (unclear) and solve this.
Seth… Well then of course you would choose to be unhappy and aggravated and bothered, that’s perfectly acceptable with me. Let us take a break.
(Both Jerry and Stephanie are speaking to Isabella as Seth came in. There are more feelings here and words that have been edited out. It is felt that there is already enough material here for the reader to get the sense of a family argument and how Seth responded.) Let us continue: Are there any other questions?
Frank… (Frank sighs.) I am almost afraid to ask about my house. (Stephanie giggles at the attempt to lighten the atmosphere.) In terms of this material and the fact that I allow Cyndi to take an inordinate amount of responsibility in regards to the children, what would be the first steps to try and improve our community situation?
Seth… Well, it is very simple, take some responsibility. Don’t analyze the situation, do it. I want to do this, and I would like to do this, I would like to do that. If you don’t choose to take responsibility do you have any?
Frank… No.
Seth… I believe you have answered your own question. Anything else? Go ahead.
Frank… In terms of the material from the previous session… (Jasmine had left and returned.)
Seth… One other small statement, Jasmine, your feelings about Isabella’s living here, are very obvious to her.
Jasmine… It isn’t true.
Seth… That is absolutely true. I give you this as knowledge; you may use it or not use it at your own discretion. (Jasmine’s response was unclear.) Understand you cannot have everything in the way in which you perceive you want it when you want it. You have absolutely little or no tolerance for delay whether it be from yourself or saying something to someone else. This is information you require. Go ahead.
Frank… In terms of the idea of, the previous session from two weeks ago, three weeks ago, the chains of the yolk and getting free from the yolk of the past, I’m still having a lot of difficulty with that and…
Seth… Where are you living?
Frank… Northport?
Seth… No.
Frank… In the past.
Seth… Yes, why aren’t you living in the now? The greatest point of power is now. When you change your now your future changes and your past accommodates it.
Frank… Living now means, why do I go with these thoughts?
Seth… Of what was.
Frank… Well, I’m not sure why I’m doing that because I’m having a hard time stopping that.
Seth… Because you are over analyzing things as you usually do.
Frank… I just did it with reading it’s almost getting like perseveration and I’m having trouble stopping it.
Seth… Don’t start it.
Frank… That’s not so easy when you find yourself in it.
Seth… When you find yourself in it stop it and walk away.
Frank… When I spoke to Jerry about just the idea of stop, observe and don’t invest anything into it,that’s the same thing? Correct?
Seth… Correct.
Frank… I just move on to another activity.
Seth… Correct. For example, you play a basketball game…
Frank… Sure.
Seth… And you let your opponent get by you and he makes a basket (Pronounced like basget.)
Frank… Right, you move on.
Seth… Do you concentrate on that basket (basget) routinely?
Frank… (Frank is laughing) I love the pronunciation; no, I make the “basget.”
Seth… Therefore?
Frank… You move on to the next…
Seth… Issue. So, you are routinely already go ahead and let things go.
Frank… With other things. Use those other things as a model.
Seth… Correct. (The telephone rang and Jasmine answered.) Go ahead.
Frank… I don’t know, I just think there’s an aspect where I’m choosing to or I desire to be self-punitive so I continue.
Seth… Say hello to Jasmine, does the same thing.
Frank… And intellectually I know it but then it’s very difficult to stop.
Seth… So, it is very difficult to stop.
Frank… I understand, I had a conversation with Jerry.
Seth… Correct.
Stephanie… Do you know what the triggers are? If you would know the triggers maybe it would help you to not go there in the first place.
Frank… You mean like what’s the missed basket?
Stephanie… (Laughs.) Right.
Frank… Um… anything that I might feel, actually anything that I would then judge as a mistake.
Jasmine… Anything as what?
Frank… Anything that I would judge as a mistake; if I was cross, if I said something, if I didn’t do something I am supposed to do, it’s a mistake.
Seth… Then you beat yourself up for days, days, days and days instead of saying…
Frank… It compounds.
Seth… Instead of saying to the person, gee I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that, shouldn’t have done that and then move along. You don’t do that.
Frank… No.
(Jasmine said something that was too soft to hear on tape.)
Seth… Let us not get into a psychological (Frank laughs) procedure here at this point.
Frank… I, ah.
Seth… You may not answer that question. (Stephanie laughs.) Are there any other questions? Then let me leave you with this: to make proper change, the first issue in relationships is that of understanding self, your needs were met, and your wants lessened. A pleasant evening to all.
(Session ended at 9:30 P.M.)
