Seth 386
The Triad Personality, Complaining, Problem Solving and Transforming
Tuesday September 23, 2008
8:25 PM
Seth… Good evening, pleasure to have all of you here. A number of bits of housekeeping that I will take care of. George, notice how when one makes a change in their attitude things have a great tendency to be promoted to a favorable outcome. In terms of how you are doing, you are starting of course to look favorably upon yourself, and you will notice that when you do so you will certainly be a little more outgoing and you will be a little bit more at ease in terms of your day-to-day existence. So, I bring that point to you.
Isabella, you have exactly two weeks to finish a session, otherwise don’t bother asking questions; type one. Because you have now spent well over three months of not, so we will put that in perspective for you that when one gives their word one must certainly try to fulfill it. That’s two.
Three, Jasmine…
Isabella… You know I completely forgot about it.
Seth… I know you did and that’s what I have…
Isabella… I don’t even know what session I am supposed to be typing.
Seth… I’m sure that the man through whom I speak can give you assistance, especially since he has one already up there that’s says very clearly on it your earth-bound name typed.
That being stated, I believe that it is incumbent upon you… One more bit of housekeeping, please, I am sorry. Kaetorina…
Stephanie… Em hmm.
Seth… Either you and the man through whom I speak will do your numbers properly otherwise I will not answer either one of your questions. You have exactly till tomorrow to start doing what you are supposed to be doing.
Stephanie… Okay.
Seth… Now, that being stated, I can go on. I believe it is incumbent upon each of you except for you, George, because you were not here and you may certainly get a copy of last weeks session, to use the information to certainly help each of you to promote change. One of the great difficulties that each of you has is not only dealing with a Triad Personality but allowing yourself to fall into that routine so that change becomes exceptionally difficult. One of the things that you must do is first to stop complaining. You have a problem with that, Frank?
Frank… No, sounds like a good idea. (Laughs.)
Isabella… Wait a minute, first to stop to promote change the first thing you have to do?
Seth… Not only to promote change that certainly is true but also to prevent yourself from falling into the idea of becoming a Triad Personality is to stop complaining. You must transform yourself and the idea which is where my comment to George was given is that when you transform yourself and you look at situations and view them and knowing full well that your outcome can and should be positive then the idea of complaining becomes an exercise in futility. Life itself on the physical plane…
Jasmine… An exercise in futility?
Seth… Yes. Life itself on the physical plane, you have a problem, Kaetorina?
Stephanie… I am just trying to understand the sentence.
Seth… What do you not understand?
Stephanie… You’re just saying that if you always want the positive outcome then that’s why you end up complaining?
Seth… No, not at all. If you transform yourself with the idea that with whenever problems arise, and you know full well that you can have a positive outcome then the idea of complaining is…
Stephanie… Futile.
Seth… an exercise in futility. You understand?
Stephanie… Yes.
Isabella… Life itself on the physical plane…
Seth… Thank you. Life itself on the physical plane must present challenges, whether those challenges are viewed as time problems such as Isabella she didn’t make the, quotes here “time” to do something that she said she would, whether it be and is a factor that in many individuals becoming lackadaisical becomes an issue for their success as evidenced by Kaetorina’s and the man through whom I speak lackadaisical doing of their numbers.
Jasmine… Now, you said whether individuals become lackadaisical it interferes with their success?
Seth… Yes, if you don’t care you don’t do. Does that make sense to you, Jasmine?
Jasmine… Em hmm.
Seth… It is that type of an attitude that causes people to look at the idea of just do it for me. It’s no big deal, just do it for me! That is an individual who is not facing a challenge and what happens here is the idea that they complain about the problem itself, the result of or the necessity to do (hard) work so that they may accomplish and learn. A clear example of this may be seen in Jasmine’s difficulty with taking notes. If I was to ask Jasmine to please look at four sessions ago and please understand that it would apply to you, your answer from last week such as I just want to think about it and absorb it becomes futile because you do not remember what four sessions ago covered do you?
Jasmine… No.
Seth… Now, so that is the reason why taking notes becomes vital.
Jasmine… Okay.
Seth… When faced with a harsh task master one tends to conjure up or put in quotes “complain about” close quotes the superior or boss because our individual does not look at and understand the necessity to do quotes here “the job” close quotes at hand. Each individual has a style and that style at times is uniquely characteristic and defines that individual! There are individuals who work best when a time limit is set and do not have an open-ended situation. They require the pressure to accomplish something. There are other individuals who require the freedom so that they may do the job in a slow but steady fashion so that they can appreciate and absorb that particular task. Most individuals have a tendency to complain about change when it forces them to deviate from their common routine.
One must learn to transform themselves if you will into an individual who instead of complaining grasps the opportunity to challenge themselves with something different. A good teacher should never be routine, the information that is imparted to another must cause the others to think about and respond to those ideas. A clear example of this may be seen when Kaetorina had difficulty with one of my sentences. It required thought and effort for learning to occur.
Each challenge that you face must cause you to reevaluate yourself. When you learn to reevaluate yourself you transform yourself, you change into something that you were not. Unfortunately, when one looks at life itself one tends to see problems and our individuals become mired down or stuck with certain thoughts and or feelings about those particular challenges. The common cry why can’t I progress? I always seem to be stuck at this point. Now this difficulty occurs… (Isabella’s dog Krypto barked and had to be attended to and Jasmine asked Isabella to check the screen door.) This difficulty occurs because of routine ways of doing things. Far too many individuals refuse; underline the word refuse, to take responsibility for their lack of thought when dealing with routine matters. The individual who constantly complains about their boss or their weight or their quotes unquotes “bad habits” has set a pattern that causes them to routinely seek assistance that is unnecessary. A simple example here is seen when Jasmine asked Isabella to look at the front screen door. I admit it was not a long walk for either of them but, if a challenge is there then it is not necessary since it is an equal challenge for you to accomplish the task…
Jasmine… Huh?
Seth… In other words, Jasmine could have just gotten up and checked the door herself even though it was quotes here unquotes “your dog” who has the problem.
Isabella… Hmm.
Seth… Yet neither one of you realized that the best solution to our dog’s problem would have been to completely close the front door and leave the back door open. Arthur could have simply moved over to her left and been out of the breeze. This is not a great crisis here by any stretch of the imagination, but I use the idea so that all may profit from the experience.
This does certainly not mean that one is not entitled to or should be afraid of asking for help or assistance with any difficulty that you have. It is your choice of how to proceed when one does not understand one cannot move along. Yet one routinely and for the most part inefficiently does the same things routinely or over and over again, one cannot progress. You cannot change when you believe that the way in which you are trying to accomplish any task is by necessity repeatable since you erroneously believe that the outcome will always be the same. I believe that each of you has heard the expression, I didn’t see that coming and therefore my question to you is quite simple, how could you see it coming when there was no effort on your part to even attempt to search for a different solution?
When one complains, as in our last statement, I didn’t see that coming, you are justifying first to yourself and then of course to others the idea that this was a surprise. A surprise would be something like this, one takes a package that is marked chocolate ice cream and opens it and it tastes like a steak. That would be a surprise. Would it be a true surprise if your chocolate ice cream was not as flavorful as you thought it would be? And the answer is, no. You can see here that your expectations from something that you love to something that you hate manifest themselves because you have not allowed for the possibility here of change.
When one attempts to make a change, it is obvious that fear plays an important part in the process itself. One of the ways that you must overcome this type of difficulty is by examining the problem itself. First it is necessary for you to, underline the words, examine the problem. Far too often individuals attempt to solve the problem without understanding it. Once you have examined the problem it will become obvious that the problem itself has many facets. It will then become necessary for you to break down the problem into its component parts. For most individuals the overwhelming desire to end the problem takes precedence over the start of the solution. As with all problems there must be a beginning, a middle and finally an ending. By using this principle one can then understand how to avoid the trap of the Triad difficulty. Therefore, you break the problem down into small components, little steps if you will and you will then master each of those steps so that you do not become mired down or stuck so that you do not have to complain…
(Jasmine asked for Seth to repeat.)
Seth… And therefore, there is no necessity to complain since you have transformed yourself from what was into what is. Your expectations were kept under control and there was no necessity for anger either at self or another. And once again here, I believe that you should draw the triad and label its parts.
The TRIAD PERSONALITY
(Thanks to Cyndi Nichols for the help with above diagram. F.N.)
And while doing so I believe that you can understand how change itself is made simpler. I believe we shall take a break.
Seth… Let us continue. It should be obvious at this point of reference that change itself is something that one must desire, and work is necessary to achieve that desire. To understand and incorporate any material it is necessary to read and reread this lecture and any lecture for that matter. The problems that this lecture causes must be broken down into their component parts so that you may integrate those parts into your shared experience. Without doing the work change itself is elusive and cannot be achieved! The idea here is that one may not just wish for something and have the belief system that you will somehow magically obtain that which you desire. It is no secret that without hard work no problem can be solved. Inspiration occurs because you have set into motion the idea of a problem that you find it necessary to overcome. You will notice that when you stop complaining about the problem the answer arrives. When the train starts pulling out of the station you are able to enjoy the ride. Are there any questions?
Stephanie… When you say inspiration occurs because you have set into motion the idea of a problem that you find it necessary to overcome, how does that work with a parent and a child say where a parent may see a problem with the child or for the child since…
Seth… The child’s problem?
Stephanie… The child’s problem.
Seth… You have better vision than the child. Just as I have better vision than you do.
Stephanie… Em hmm.
Seth… So, what you are doing is you are saying to your child, “I see that you have difficulty and since I see that you have difficulty how do you feel about it?” And the child of course is going to you know make a statement. When the parent allows the child to try and formulate solutions, you are teaching the child first to think then to evaluate and then to appreciate themselves.
Stephanie… Then you become the source of the inspiration?
Seth… The source of the inspiration. When you just give an answer how much learning goes on?
Stephanie… None.
Seth… I believe you have your answer.
Stephanie… And can you…
Seth… And do not turn that (the microphone) upside down because nobody can hear you.
Stephanie… Can you give me some assistance with Natalie and this whole issue with this friend Lydia who she had this issue with today and how I can be an inspiration to her to learn to stand up for herself?
Seth… Natalie, why would you want yourself to be hurt by another? What could you do differently? How is it possible, what could you have done immediately when your quote unquote “friend” was bothering you?
Stephanie… Em hmm.
Seth…. I believe that these are the type of questions, certainly the idea of learning to be strong and her use of Karate is necessary for her so that she may not only develop physically but mentally as well.
Stephanie… She voices the idea that it is painful, she doesn’t use the word “painful” but she is implying that it is painful for her to stand up for herself. It doesn’t feel right, her heart hurts, her mouth doesn’t want to say certain words.
Seth… Am I not stuck and mired down in the problem?
Stephanie… Okay.
Seth… Is that not what she is stating?
Stephanie… Yes, she is very weighed down with feeling terrible.
Seth… So, if you are weighed down and unwilling to move and unwilling to change how often will this happen again?
Stephanie… So, she is unwilling to?
Seth… She is unwilling to make a stance for herself therefore the love of the friend and the expectations of what the friend are, are different. The friend can only give a small amount, yet Natalie expects her to be her.
Stephanie… Right.
Seth… Therefore, the anger turned to depression and that is why the crying occurred. Why would my friend do this to me?
Stephanie… So, for her the thought of not being friends with this girl, I think she rejects that notion.
Seth… So, if she rejects the notion then she must understand the friend can only give that much, it’s all you should expect. And when the friend does something that you find wrong, obnoxious, bothersome, one must learn to stand up for themselves in any number of fair ways. Just as a child must learn to say to their parent, just as a friend must say to their friend, just as a wife may say to her husband, just as a husband may say to his boss, I do not appreciate this because.
Stephanie… Em hmm, she seemed to have an easier time doing that with her family then ah…
Seth… Safety.
Stephanie… her friend. She does quite well with the family.
Seth… Safety! And now she has to learn to transfer it to the outside world and that’s part of your job as being a proper parent.
Stephanie… Right, so I can also offer that observation.
Seth… Correct.
Stephanie… Yeah. What would, you know sometimes our words as adults, obviously are different than what a child would feel comfortable saying. What could her words be to Lydia for example?
Seth… That is something that Natalie must choose her words. And the way that you elicit that is by saying, “What would you like to say to Lydia?”
Stephanie… She wants to ignore her
Seth… How does that help?
Stephanie… Em hmm.
Seth… How does that help you?
Stephanie… I think she said that the teacher told her that that was correct. (Frank laughs and then Stephanie laughs.)
Seth… So, I have caused difficulty with teachers of that ilk. Because in other words it is okay if someone hurts you, bothers you and upsets you and so you should just ignore it and continue being hurt? Is that the lesson you would like to teach?
Stephanie… Well, I wouldn’t but I think the teacher promoted that.
Seth… Because that’s easier for the teacher and not beneficial to the child.
Stephanie… Yeah.
Isabella… We really can’t tell if the teacher will retaliate.
Seth… No, it is not a question of retaliating it is more a simple question if you had a student who is being physically hurt…
Isabella… That’s different.
Seth… If you had a student who was being mentally hurt do you tell that student to ignore that other person?
Isabella… No.
Seth… Or do you tell the student to simply say, please don’t talk to me that way and walk away.
Isabella… Yeah.
Seth… That is a doing of something…
Isabella… Right.
Seth… that is not just ignoring.
Stephanie… Right. So, after this whole exchange I had with Natalie then she was finally able to say how mad she was and what helped her to get to that? Because she got rid of the…?
Seth… She got rid of the fear. How is it possible that a nice little girl like me can hate someone? Is it because my expectations of my friend are so great, yet she gives me so little? So, I hate myself for expecting more from her.
Stephanie… She was mad at herself.
Seth… Of course, that’s where it all starts. It’s the child who hates the parent because the parent isn’t giving them what they want. It is the same thing with the individual who hates the friend because the friend doesn’t live up to their expectations.
Stephanie… Em hmm. So, for her it is either learn to adjust the expectations and then stand up for self when she reinjures…
Seth… Correct.
Stephanie… or get rid of her.
Seth… If that’s the choice but that has to be coming from Natalie…
Stephanie… Right.
Seth… not from Stephanie.
Stephanie… Right. Now what…
Seth… The temptation is too great for most parents to step in and not allow the child to grow.
Stephanie… Right, well I said to her, I said, “You have to make the decision of what you want to do.”
Seth… That’s correct.
Stephanie… Understand what she does and then you have to figure out what you are going to do with that.
Seth… Correct.
Stephanie… I don’t think at this point she knows what she necessarily knows what she wants to do, you know with it.
Seth… But that would be for her to decide.
Stephanie… Em hmm. Right, because she is very conflicted because I think she likes her on the one hand but on the other hand this goes on.
Seth… It depends upon how your daughter chooses to view the situation is the best that you can hope for.
Stephanie… And does she have a fear of getting rid of her as a friend?
Seth… Did you ask?
Stephanie… Well. She was not comfortable with wanting to not be friends.
Seth… Then I believe you have your answer.
Stephanie… But if that’s the case then she is left with the other idea which is that she has to stand up for herself if Lydia is going to do this.
Seth… If that’s what she chooses to do.
Stephanie… Right. Now, what about the idea of not sitting with her on the bus?
Seth… Whose choice should it be, yours?
Stephanie… Well, I would like it to be. (Laughs.)
Seth… Are there any other questions?
Frank… I just wanted to clarify or get a sense of what this means that you cannot change when you believe that the way in which you are trying to accomplish any task is by necessity repeatable since you erroneously believe that the outcome will always be the same?
Seth… Correct.
Frank… Right, that just simply means don’t think that just because you do things the same way…
Seth… If you go to work in the exact same way everyday and you erroneously believe that it’s going to take you twenty-three and a half minutes to get from where you start to where you finish because you always go the same way, well what happens if there is a flood? What happens if there is a traffic accident? What happens if somebody goes ahead and does something that you can’t get around them. So, if you erroneously believe something you see what happens.
Frank… Then you get stuck in that.
Seth… Correct.
Frank… Alright.
Isabella… How do you lower your expectations? Like when if someone continuously lets you down but yet you still have high expectations of them, how do you lower that in the respect of what happened last weekend with Jacob. You know the idea of my expectations continuously still being high and then getting angry at myself and depressed. So how do you lower your expectations of somebody?
Seth… The first bit is knowledge. One must understand that to lower your expectations first you must break the problem down. You must have knowledge of what you are dealing with.
Isabella… So, the first is to get knowledge?
Seth… To get knowledge. Now, let us use the idea of a percentage because you will understand this in a better fashion. If you believe that anyone…
Jasmine… To get information from the person?
Isabella… To get knowledge.
Seth… If you believe that any individual whether it be a husband, a wife, brother, parent, sister should provide you with eighty five percent of what you believe is necessary, in whatever situation but you are only receiving twenty-two percent, you’re angry, you hate that difference. But if the knowledge that you have allows you to understand that they can only provide twenty-two percent, what do you want more than that? So, the first thing in reducing your expectations is knowledge of.
Isabella… So, to get knowledge of what the person is really capable of giving you.
Seth… That’s correct and you do this by looking at the person and then judging their actions as an uninterested observer. How do they react to similar situations? How do they react to this similar situation? An individual who does not want to make a decision in one area will commonly not want to make a decision in another area. The person who is deceitful in one aspect of their existence will often be and react the same way in other aspects of their existence.
Isabella… Em hmm.
Seth… So those are the two things that one must start with in terms of lowering their expectations.
Isabella… But that doesn’t mean it won’t hurt?
Seth… Nobody says that things should not hurt or bother you.
Isabella… Right.
Seth… You do existence on the physical plane.
Isabella… I mean in the process of lowering expectations and realizing that you must lower your expectations then that…
Seth… Then the hurt becomes less and less and less.
Isabella… Eventually but it does hurt when you first make that realization.
Seth… Of course.
Isabella… Like it is the same thing with Allison and what I am going through with Allison right now that the understanding of lowering my expectations because she really uses me when she needs me.
Seth… Correct.
Isabella… And that’s basically what the relationship is.
Seth… But that does not mean you should end a relationship unless you choose do so.
Isabella… Right, but you know you wonder like what you are gaining out of relationship anyway.
Seth… You may gain someone just to complain about somebody else to. You may gain just the idea of I can go to a movie with this person.
Isabella… Right.
Seth… You may gain the idea of I have something to do on a Wednesday evening, Tuesday evenings are busy. (Tuesday is when we meet.) You understand?
Isabella… Emm. If you really feel hurt by the person then why would you want to spend time with them?
Seth… I have no objection to that either.
Isabella… Right.
Seth… But is the hurt due to your erroneous expectations or not? If somebody slaps you that’s not an erroneous expectation.
Isabella… Right, for instance she tries to step in and get involved with what was going on with Jacob and that really upset me. No, I have not discussed it with her yet.
Seth… And my question is, why not?
Isabella… Umm, because a part of me like almost doesn’t…
Seth… Did you simply say to her, this is between my former husband and me why are you getting involved?
Isabella… I did tell her to but… to keep her nose out of…
Seth… No, you were not that nice, in other words the question is why did you not say immediately in the most simplistic terms of all, this is between Jacob and myself?
Isabella… I did say that; I did say that. I did say to her, “Allison, no offense but this is none of your business.”
Seth… Well, that is not the same thing is it?
Isabella… Umm.
Seth… One is harsh.
Isabella… Right, okay I understand that.
Seth… So, when you react that way, your expectations were as a friend she should not do this. You were expecting eighty-five percent of her not getting involved then she gave you twent- two percent.
Isabella… Em hmm.
Seth… You understand the difference now? So, the hatred and anger that occurred was because The Triad Personality was formed immediately.
Isabella… I mean, yeah there’s other issues there that is going on obviously but this particular one…
Seth… I’m just dealing with this one.
Isabella… was just kind of like the icing on the cake sort to speak.
Seth… Correct.
Isabella… Right. Okay.
Seth… Because her tendency would be to try to defend family.
Isabella… Of course, and I wouldn’t blame her for that, he’s her brother, I understand that, and I understand that blood is thicker than water. But she made it blatantly clear that she’s never wanted to be involved and then all of a sudden, she got involved.
Seth… Where do you think the involvement came from?
Isabella… I know he asked her to do it. I’m not saying, I am a hundred percent positive that he asked her to do that. But I was still surprised that she actually did.
Seth… Again, it is what is because your expectations were such in advanced or too great for what the situation called for.
Are there any other questions?
Yes?
Stephanie… I just want to ask about this new patient I am going to see tomorrow night.
Seth… That’s a futuristic question.
Stephanie… No, I wanted to ask if you have any, if you can give me any assistance on how I can help her to be okay with my seeing her parent?
Seth… Futuristic question.
Stephanie… Why is it futuristic?
Seth… Because how do I do something when I have not even met this patient is automatically a futuristic question.
Stephanie… So next week, you’ll answer it?
Seth… No, next week you are going to come in with a very different type of question.
Stephanie… Oh because…
Seth… You’ll have met the patient and have a greater understanding of the patient’s needs. You have none now.
Stephanie… But I know any kid I am going to see I have to see the mother.
Seth… So therefore, there is no question is there?
Stephanie… But…
Seth… There is no question since you have now made a determination that this is a proper course of action.
Stephanie… What if she wants to not ever come to therapy because I am going to see the mother, her mother?
Seth… Then that’s her choice, is it not?
Stephanie… Okay so I was just wondering whether there was a way I could explain it so that she would be more favorable about it.
Seth… You may explain it in any way you can because you will understand the patient better once you meet the patient.
Stephanie… Okay, fine.
Seth… Again, are there any other questions? Let me leave you with this: if you stop complaining and transform yourself, change is simple, and your needs will be met. When you are not mired down, and you see that your train is moving, your needs will be met. When you examine a problem and understand its parts your needs will be met and if your needs are met your wants therefore will be diminished. I bid you all a fond good evening.
(Session ended at 9:50 P.M)
