Seth 388
The Idea Of Suuport and Change
Tuesday October 28, 2008
8:35 p.m.
Seth… Good evening.
All… Good evening.
Seth… A pleasure to have all of you here again. We shall deal with some housekeeping first. This goes as a warning; do you remember the date Kaetorina that you were supposed to finish your book?
Stephanie… Um, November seventh? Sixth or seventh, one of the two.
Seth… Try the fifth.
Stephanie… The fifth!?
Seth… The fifth.
Stephanie… How come you nodded your head the seventh in the Diner?
Seth… Fifth. Now and therefore, that means by next week. That’s the first warning, second warning is you have one week, Isabella. One week.
Isabella… Two weeks, I have two weeks left.
Seth… That was from last week to this week.
Isabella… No, I have two weeks left, three weeks last week. Yes, I have three weeks.
Seth… You have one week left. Do not argue.
Isabella… That’s not possible.
Seth… Well then you know what I will do.
Isabella… What? No questions?
Seth… That is correct.
Isabella… Okay.
Seth… So that’s two. Third one, Isabella, can you please define for me the idea and the word, “support”?
Isabella… The idea of support is where someone or something relies or counts on something else to assist in troublesome situations as a support as a, you know, a.k.a. backbone.
Seth… One might carefully state that the idea of support might be… I shall pause here until you return. (Krypto and George’s dogs were overly active so Isabella went to put them upstairs.)
While we are waiting Kaetorina, the concept here of both you and the man through whom I speak of doing numbers is taking, how should we put this delicately? A nonexistent attitude in most ideas that both of you have to get much more involved with. When I finish the lecture, I will go ahead and when I meet with you privately change your numbers.
Stephanie… Yah… ookay.
Seth… Getting back to you Isabella…
Isabella… Yes.
Seth… The idea of support is to give buoyancy to, to lift up, to protect, to assist, to make another’s life easier. Now all of this of course, has to do with the idea of Change. One of the responsibilities that you have is to make changes so that when you are on your own or involved in a long-term relationship the difficulties that you have had in the past do not follow you. Do you understand so far?
Isabella… One of my responsibilities is to change so that when I am on my own or in a relationship. That was all I got.
Seth… On your own or in a long-term relationship, do not follow you.
Isabella… The problems?
Seth… The difficulties that you have had in the past do not follow you. One must change and learn the idea that to support another means giving of self in a fashion that promotes the other.
Isabella… Are you talking to me?
Seth… I am talking to you because a lot of this has to do with things that you have to learn and therefore what I am doing is I am giving you direct information on errors in judgment that you have had.
Isabella… (Said something.)
Seth… I will get to it, just bear with me and I am also of course giving the lecture to anyone who happens to be within ear shot of the sound of my voice or who might read this information after our friend Frank who has volunteered to type it up from the last time he was here by saying, “Oh, Seth is going to make me type it up and I am not here.”
So, since we did not have a formal session, congratulations to you.
Frank… That’s not quite kosher but whatever.
Seth… Now, when you and we shall use this as a starting example for you, give your word to somebody that you are going to go ahead and support them in their “time of need”. Now, you can put the idea of time of need in quotation marks since that need can vary from individual to individual.
Recently you gave your word that you would support Kaetorina when she was having difficulties at home. You then went to her assistance but did not follow through. Clearly just having a meal with somebody is not supportive enough and what you must learn to do is to give of your self. In other words…
(Isabella asked a question about Stephanie.)
Seth… Whether Kaetorina believes it was a problem or not matters not to me. What matters to me is you and how you function. It has nothing to do with Kaetorina and since it has nothing to do with her it becomes something that you must learn. When you give of self, in other words in terms of, I am going to support you in your decision. I am going to assist you with housework, I am going to assist you in the preparation of making dinner, I am not going to put myself before you because when I support you in reality, I promote myself. You may underline when I assist you in reality, all the way through to the end of that sentence.
Isabella… (To Frank who asked for the last sentence.) When I assist you in reality, I promote myself.
Seth… You promote yourself by becoming a true friend. In relationship issues the idea is to communicate with yourself and the other so that you reach an understanding that is mutually satisfactory. You must understand here Isabella, that your actions did not promote you as a friend because you did not function in that capacity. Now, you may certainly look around and look at others in their relationships and see how often lacking the idea of a true friend is.
Remember this (Seth pounded finger to indicate the need for note taking) that a relationship bond is based upon the idea that I may assist you when you call on me even without being asked. How does one call upon another without being asked should be your next question. You are called upon when you sense, feel or observe… when you sense, feel or observe a lack, discomfort, annoyance, fear and or dis-ease within the other. The necessity here is that quite often verbal communication is totally unnecessary.
Now, one of the things, and I shall pause here for a second which is totally off the side is that all the bedroom doors should be closed upstairs. (This was to prevent the dogs from doing any damage.) Sorry, but I did peek in.
Now, so when your ideas of, why have I not cultivated friendships? Why do I feel that there is a difficulty in forming them falls back upon the idea that I have not given of myself in a fair and just manner. One cannot learn to live in a community where you depend upon others to consistently do for you since you then expect this treatment and the others’ resentment grows with the dis-ease that they have for you. They in simpler terms become resentful and their anger as an example in our triad personality schematic increases since the void that has been created has been fostered by you.
Frank… Say the last part again, please?
Seth… Since the void that has been created has been fostered by you.
Frank… So, there is anger?
Seth… Of course, there is anger. A clear indication of this may be seen with Isabella’s and Jasmine’s conflicting ideas concerning any number (Again Seth tapped the table with Jerry’s index finger.) of issues that they both have. All this being said must give you reason to learn to promote yourself by changing your attitude towards “working within the community.” Do you understand or what did you miss?
Isabella… No, I understand, it is very difficult to work with my mother on that aspect.
Seth… Well, while you are saying it is very difficult to work with your mother, that is what Isabella said, the difficulty here is yours not hers. If you eliminate her grievances, if one eliminates the grievances that the other has towards you by giving of self then you shift the difficulty to them and away from you. That is how you promote yourself.
Isabella… But in that case, when we are talking about doing things around the house, we have been pretty good about that. But we butt heads when it comes to other things like, her need to always know what is going on. And when I don’t talk to her about what is going on then she gets upset with me for not talking with her and then she’ll throw it in my face when I do… want…
Seth… Let us assume that you are a hundred percent correct and we are not saying that you are or not because I would not do that. But let’s assume it from a hypothetical that it should be, well if someone is upset because you are not talking to them then you… (Tapping the table to Stephanie.) You must learn to take notes please, do not just listen. (Seth to Frank,) Make sure that you put as an aside to Kaetorina when you type this up.
Stephanie… I didn’t…
Seth… I’ve done that (Taping the table.) quite a few times.
(Stephanie mumbled something. It is interesting to note that Stephanie probably took better notes than anyone around the table. This was all to “change” with session 395 as Seth began to dictate sessions to Stephanie who learned to type fast enough to keep up. With Seth slowing his delivery the rest of us around the table were expected to write out sessions in order to better absorb them. F.N.)
Seth… If you understand the idea and in our hypothetical example and if you are correct in the hypothetical example, you will notice that if you choose not to say anything you can then say, “I really do not have the ability to discuss this with you now or I am not comfortable with this discussion.” Now when you do this with anger as you often do the triad becomes very large and the anger and the depth of it on both sides increases but and the key word there is but, if you go ahead and reduce your annoyance by speaking softly, calmly and without anger you will find that the other, in this instance meaning Jasmine or in your instance (To the therapists of the group.) patients, you will find that their ability to function is made easier.
Isabella… Now I tried that yesterday when I…
Seth… But you had already set up an anger situation.
Isabella… But…
Seth… You were already bothered and annoyed.
Isabella… No, I wasn’t, I was not bothered or annoyed by her at all. It was only when we were sitting in the kitchen and then she started yelling at me about the fact that we disagreed that I wasn’t calling my therapist right away to discuss certain things.
Seth… Your comments were not wholly correct. You had left out areas of information that Jasmine needed to make an informed decision. In other words, I am putting quotes here now, “the lie” and whether you want to define it as a lie or an error, it matters not.
Isabella… I didn’t lie to her. She just… she didn’t…
Seth… That is not the issue. The issue is yours, not hers.
Isabella… I was coming to her asking for assistance and she instead couldn’t listen or couldn’t help me and so instead turned it around and said, “You should probably talk to your therapist.” And that bothered me.
Seth… You had already set up an anger situation. If someone does not understand you, does not give, write that down, does not give you what you believe you require, whose responsibility is it to correct the situation, the person who does not understand or the person who is giving the information?
Isabella… The person who is giving the information.
Seth… And when one gives information, one must give a full, honest and fair statement. If you leave out one portion of that statement (Then said with emphasis) if you leave out one portion of that statement, underline that, then you have set up, I don’t mean you necessarily Isabella, this is a generalized thing, you have set up a situation where somebody is going to feel hurt, bothered and have dis-ease. And the dis-ease works in two directions; first, and we will use you again as the hypothetical, towards you and the other one towards Jasmine. (In a more conversational tone.) Now you know why I used it as a hypothetical.
Isabella… I just feel that with the problems with my mother, that it’s all my fault; that it is all coming down on me. And when we discuss it, it seems to always be my fault.
Seth… Because you have not reported in many instances (Emphasized.) in many instances fairly. When an individual does not report fairly.
Isabella… I don’t think I am the only one to blame for the problems with my mother.
Seth… You’re looking at blame here. This has nothing to do with blame, nothing! Nor if you were in a therapy…
Isabella… But she is the parent.
Seth… Excuse me, you are an adult. You are not seven years old.
Isabella… I’m not disagreeing with you but in reality…
Frank… But the point is, do you want to know how to promote yourself in the best manner possible or not? That’s what this is about.
Seth… This is a change for you or anyone in a therapeutic situation. The idea here is to change how you are relating to another.
Isabella… Why do I have such difficulties relating to her?
Seth… Because the anger that you set up causes conflict. Let me give you a story, I am going to tell you a story and I would like you all to write this story down and this story has been told in many ways and many fashions.
In a small village there is a farmer who has a very handsome son. He the farmer had to take money from this older very unattractive woman to help support his family in times of difficulty. He is then faced with the prospect of losing his farm since he cannot pay off his debt. It is obvious that they will starve for they have no other place to go. Knowing this, this very unattractive landlady demands payment. The farmer says, “I cannot pay you. I do not have the money. The crops were not that good this year.”
And so, the landlady states, “I will marry your son and in doing so your debt may be paid off.”
The farmer is of course unwilling to promise his son to this unattractive woman. The son with the farmer goes to the landlady and states, “There is no possibility that I would marry you.”
And of course, the landlady says, “I will make a simple deal with you. We will go down to the riverbed, and I will get a black rock and I will put it in a bag. I will then get a white rock of equal size, shape and weight and put that in the bag. And what I want you to do is simply this: If you pick the white rock, you do not have to marry me, and the debt will be paid off. If you pick the black rock, you have to marry me, and your debt will also be paid off or you can move off your land now.”
The son thinks it over and realizes that he must choose in the manner described. So, they go down to the river. And the landlady picks up two rocks and quickly puts them in the bag. This handsome young man noticed that the landlady placed two black rocks in the bag. She then handed him the bag and said, “Choose one of the two rocks.”
And the handsome young man took the bag, put his hand and started to pull out a stone, tripped and fell and the stone went flying into the river.
The landlady is very upset and says, “You ruined the contest.”
And the young man said, “I did no such thing for whatever rock is left is the rock I did not choose.”
And the object of that story is simply this: To make change one must have the ability to perceive a different outcome than the obvious one. You must learn to be adaptable; you must learn to be flexible. You cannot always have things the way you believe they should be. And that Isabella, is the key for you to start; that is the key for you to start relearning how to live within a community. Now, this is not just for you, this is for example the idea that our friend Frank may use with his children for neither one of them of the three learned to live well within a community. One is jealous of the older, and one resents the younger and their personalities clash routinely.
Isabella… I’m just a little surprised because you told me the other night in our private session that I had been making remarkable progress.
Seth… And who said I do not agree with my statement?
Isabella… Ah…
Seth… Are you aware that there are difficulties?
Isabella… Of course.
Seth… That is a remarkable achievement in and of itself.
Isabella… So basically, there has been no progress made at all.
Seth… If I said to you, you’ve made remarkable progress, why do you think I am lying to you?
Isabella… Well, you are still telling me that I need to relearn.
Seth… Let me ask you a simple question. When you drive a car today are you better than when you were seventeen?
Isabella… Obviously.
Seth… Did you learn anything then and now?
Isabella… Yeah, of course.
Seth… Did you make remarkable progress?
Isabella… Yeah.
Seth… Yet you could still drive at seventeen, but your abilities changed and that is the same with this story and my comment to you earlier. You have made remarkable progress. That does not mean you are done.
Isabella… I didn’t…
Seth… That does not mean you do not have a good deal to learn. Learning comes in stages. Learning comes when you add one more ability to those you already have. Let me ask you a simple question, when are you truly finished with learning?
Isabella… Never.
Seth… That’s not true.
Isabella… Or when you reconnect with the All There Is.
Seth… Correct, therefore am I learning?
Isabella… Yes.
Seth… And since I will state that I am, clearly. My question to you is why do you believe you are not?
Isabella… It’s not that I believe that I am not, I just feel like I am stuck in a rut and can’t make progress. And so, in that case I feel like that means I am going to be stuck living here in my parent’s house and not finding a true good relationship for a long time.
Seth… That is your choice. I give you the ability (Tapped on the table) I give you the ability to change by giving you information that you may choose to use or not. For example, where on the refrigerator is your list of things you have done around the house?
Isabella… On there.
Seth… And how often do you write on it?
Isabella… (Mumbled.)
Seth… A couple of days? Longer than that.
Isabella… A week or two.
Seth… Do you remember the private session I gave you when I told you to write down the problem?
Isabella… Em hmm.
Seth… How many have you written down?
Isabella… None, but I have used the strategy in my head.
Seth… That is worthless and we have gone over the reasons why. How much of the Nature of Personality have you read?
Isabella… The first chapter.
Seth… Not enough, you have to work at this.
Isabella… You told me I have six months.
Seth… I’m not questioning that but if you read a page a day or two pages a day it will keep it fresh within you. The object is to keep in the forefront that which you need to do. The same is true of course for Jasmine who isn’t reading. That is the issue. It is not a question of that you have made progress haven’t made progress. The issue is, are you consistently making progress? And that of course leads us to a resounding, “No.” So, do you have the ability as the young man did to change because the situation changed? To think of a different solution to the same problem. That is the key to all who require change. Do you understand? So, this is not a criticism of anyone. This is giving individuals the ability to function at a different level, to make themselves complete. Do you understand?
Isabella… I guess.
Seth… If you guess it means you do not know.
Isabella… Ah…
Seth… You are not listening, and you are deciding to withdraw.
Isabella… I’m listening I’m… (Low talking.)
Seth… I understand you are hearing it, but you are not listening to it and therefore…
Isabella… I just feel like it is the same criticism over and over, I know you said it is not criticism, but it feels like a criticism. It is the same thing over and over again about the fact I’m obviously doing something wrong.
Seth… Why do you believe you have to do everything correct?
Isabella… I don’t but when, I do feel like I am trying and…
Seth… Did I say you weren’t trying? Did I say you were making remarkable progress? Please tell me what you didn’t understand about that?
Isabella… No, I understand what you are saying, but you are still saying that…
Seth… I am saying you have more to do. That is all I am saying to you or not do for that matter but that of course is your choice. You make excuses for not, try to make excuses for. That is the idea, individuals make attempts not to do something instead of making an attempt to accomplish something. How many of our therapeutic patients make excuses for not instead of making excuses for? That is the difference between an individual who promotes change and an individual who is fearful of change.
I believe that at this point we shall take a break.
(9:17 P.M.)
Seth… Are there any questions?
Isabella… I guess I just simply want to ask…
Seth… You simply just want to ask?
Isabella… I feel I need a focus. It is very hard for me to ingest so much information and then be able to tackle so many things at once.
Seth… Let’s give you a focus.
Isabella… So, I want to focus on one thing that I can work on for this week. That’s how I need to operate. I can’t digest all the information and try to work on everything all at once.
Seth… What did you get out of my lecture this evening?
Isabella… I think what stood out for me…
Seth… Look at me, do not look there.
Isabella… I think what stood out for me the most is the idea of promoting myself by giving.
Seth… That is your focus for this week.
Isabella… Okay.
Seth… You just stated it. Do you remember when I told you about finding a problem and writing it down and then following through? (Reader take note, this is a very powerful technique to try! F.N.)
Isabella… Em hmm.
Seth… All individuals who have difficulty with change, that’s what you are really dealing with. They’re changing if you want to look at the broadest sense somebody who is not overwhelmingly happy to a woman who would like to become very happy.
Isabella… Em hmm.
Seth… That’s just an overwhelmingly idea. Our friend Frank has to idealize the idea of working with compassion.
Isabella… Em hmm.
Seth… He has to learn how to do this and that’s a change from what he wants to do from what he is. Kaetorina has to work with the idea of learning how to handle energies to promote herself and her psychic ability. All these type of things are a large focus, it’s what you within the little small focus that allows you to grow and promote yourself. So, what you are going to do this week is you are going to learn why do you think the lesson of writing things down on the board? For example, tomorrow evening you may say don’t make dinner, I am going to make salad, the main course and the dessert. I don’t want you to do anything.
Isabella… Emm.
Seth… The next day you may simply say I am going to do the clean up today, don’t do anything. The more you give of yourself the greater rewards you will get, and you will not believe how great the rewards will be.
Isabella… Emm.
Seth… So that’s your focus for this week.
Isabella… Okay.
Seth… Does that help you?
Isabella… Yep, very much so because I feel overwhelmed. That’s my problem.
Seth… Why do you, first of all…
Isabella… I feel so overwhelmed that feel like I do not know where to start. That’s my biggest problem.
Seth… Now you have a sense of direction and where you may start. In other words, the journey of a thousand miles begins as has always been said with the first step. But the journey is never complete until you as the individual make the commitment to have the change always in place. Do you understand the difference?
Isabella… Em hmm.
Seth… And that is where therapists fail. It is not the idea of making the change and you have to start, and I’ll promote. It is the commitment to the end that’s relevant, not the commitment to just do something because you can do something and forget about it. And that’s the difficulty. Does this make more sense to you now? So, what I would suggest what you do is that anytime you have a difficulty you write it down, define the difficulty, find the goal that you need to do and then embark upon that idea and make the commitment that you want to see the end of the journey. Does that make more sense to you now? Are there any other questions?
George… I just want to ask from your side of things if there is anything else that I can do to be of assistance towards my father, right now with all that is going on?
Seth… What I would do if I were you… how often do you speak to him?
George… A couple times a week.
Seth… Not enough.
George… Okay.
Seth… If you are going to support someone who is in trouble, the object is to be there. That may make it necessary for you as an individual and not necessarily just in this instance but in general, if you are going to support someone you are there. Since it would be difficult for you to be physically there, as difficult as this is for you, you must be verbally there. You must make the commitment to be there, even if it is just small talk. It is the closeness that you will give that will give its rewards. Do you understand?
Are there any other questions?
Stephanie… I want to ask about a patient and her mother, I spoke to Jerry about it and I am just wondering whether a…
Seth… You did not speak to him about it, go ahead.
Stephanie… Oh, I already spoke to you. Okay, well do you have anything else to add? (Frank laughs.) Well okay, here is my dilemma though that I didn’t…
Seth… To quote Shirley Sarah, “Not that smart.”
Stephanie… (Laughs.) Right, now for me my dilemma with M is, if obviously I am meeting with the mother and advocating this position, she must be strong, she must stand steady, all this stuff, isn’t M going to see me as not being loyal to her because she is going to know…
Seth… What is your purpose in the relationship with the young lady?
Stephanie… I want her to learn how to become an independent, strong…
Seth… Within the community.
Stephanie… Okay, right, to live appropriately…
Seth… And function within a community.
Stephanie… Okay, but all these things that are going to come down on her, she makes up these stories.
Seth… Because she does not choose to live fairly with all. This lecture can be applied to her. This lecture can be applied to her mother.
Stephanie… Right, now, I don’t know what this girl is capable of in terms of upping the ante. What would my position be in that? I mean I don’t know.
Seth… What are the consequences for the actions that you have done?
Let me ask you and you can certainly ask her, why don’t you go and rob a bank? Why don’t you go and rob a bank if you need money?
Stephanie… Okay.
Seth… And what would your answer be?
Stephanie… Because I would go to jail.
Seth… You would go to jail; there are consequences, very negative consequences for certain actions. If you quote here, “disobey the law,” other people might say break the law, then you have difficulty. The student who does not study but complains how hard the examination was is robbing themselves. The same thing is true with your patient; your patient is robbing herself of the ability to live within a community instead of demanding that the community does something for her. When you demand something that is always done for you, you are shunned; you become an ineffective member of that community and are pushed to the wayside.
Stephanie… How would she understand that though, how would I…
Seth… Would your husband tolerate this if you did this to him?
Stephanie… I’m going to talk to her about a potential husband?
Seth… Yes, absolutely. (Someone said, “Or boyfriend.”) Or boyfriend.
Stephanie… Okay.
Isabella… Or friends.
Seth… Or friends.
Isabella… I know she doesn’t have any friends.
Seth… Or friends. It matters not, I want it to be a long-term lasting relationship here. That is the reason for “husband” that was given. In other words, a friend may come and go, they may move away, you may change schools. But a husband is something that you want to last a lifetime. Would anybody tolerate always doing for you? Would anybody tolerate always doing for you when you do not do for them? I think that is the question that you have to ask.
Stephanie… Em hm.
Seth… And if you “break the law,” do you not deserve to be punished? And that goes back to our why don’t you rob a bank question.
Stephanie… Now she is going to say, my mother made me do it.
Seth… Nobody makes you do anything; you choose to do it because you want something else.
Stephanie… Right, she is going to say my mother doesn’t get off my back, my mother makes me do this, my mother is unfair. You know she makes up all and twists it.
Seth… Let us bring your mother in, I want to hear you confront your mother.
Stephanie… Yeah, which is why I said, “I need to see both of you.”
Seth… Let us do it that way.
Stephanie… Yeah.
Seth… You’re saying, this, this, this, let us confront it, let’s see what you say.
Stephanie… Yeah, because it doesn’t seem like I can get a grip and grasp when I am seeing them individually it is one against the other.
Seth… Of course, because the other one isn’t there to defend themselves.
Stephanie… Yeah.
Seth… And remember, you may get a surprise one way or the other, you may not.
Stephanie… Em hmm.
Seth… But remember, if you rob a bank, you don’t get a second chance and say, “Oh, I was sorry I shouldn’t have done that.” There are consequences for your actions.
Stephanie… Now what should her punishment be, for example, all this mouthing off and abusiveness to the mother. You know, besides, “Oh you are not going to go out.” Then she is going to defy that, she walks out, she’ll do whatever she wants.
Seth… There are numerous ideas that the mother will have of what a proper disciplinary action she should take.
Stephanie… So, the mother will have her own thinking about…
Seth… The mother will have her own agenda.
Stephanie… Execute it though.
Seth… Correct. Well, that’s a different story, whether she follows through or not is the mother’s problem. If the mother does not solve her problem doing what she is supposed to do, then who loses? The mother and then you can’t complain about how bad your daughter is.
Stephanie… Now how do I work with the mother about the fear because this is why the mother wavers and can’t follow through, completely fearful that the daughter is going to hate her guts forever and she will…
Seth… That is not your concern.
Stephanie… But she is not following through because of her fears.
Seth… Because the fears themselves are groundless. If you break the law should the policeman worry that you are not going to like them?
Stephanie… I would say this to the mother?
Seth… Of course. (Long pause.) That is the least of the concerns.
Stephanie… Right, but that is I am assuming on of the biggest reasons why she is not.
Seth… There is fear, it is fear that there will be an argument, fear that the child will not like me and what she is doing is reversing roles where the parents become the child and the child becomes the parent. One must assert what they are.
Stephanie… And in truth isn’t the child really screaming out for discipline?
Seth… The child is screaming out for guidelines.
Stephanie… Guidelines; em hmm.
Seth… I have had more than enough children I know the answer. (Said in a lower tone, a humorous aside.)
Stephanie… And is she fearful that she’ll become Russel? This Melissa? (An older child.) That she would be…
Seth… You must ask that question. You must ask that question. But it matters not, if a child is going to go and break the rules and require discipline, it doesn’t matter what they will become, might become, should become; it is the consequence of their actions that determines the parental responsibility. When Peter has a tantrum, when Natalie disobeys what happens to them?
Stephanie… They get into trouble…
Seth… And there are consequences for those actions.
Stephanie… Em hmm.
Seth… Do you ever think I want to make my child a friend of mine or am I gong to be the parent?
Stephanie… No, I am going to be the parent.
Seth… Well then that is the rule for parents.
Stephanie… Right, exactly.
Seth… You can be loving; you can be kind and yes, if you know a child did something and you say, I want you to tell me the truth. Did you do this?” And the child does not lie and tells the truth then you may reduce the punishment. But you are not going to go ahead and not punish out of fear because that teaches the child that they can get away with whatever they want to.
Stephanie… Yeah, so Melissa won’t think I am abandoning her if I am supportive of these punishments.
Seth… That is not your concern. If she feels you are abandoning her your answer is simple: I am here to give you a very good life.
Stephanie… Em hmm.
Seth… I believe we have been down this road before.
Stephanie… Right, I am just thinking, what if she refuses to come back?
Isabella… She will, just be prepared for that because that’s exactly what is going to happen. I know the kid. She will absolutely refuse to come back.
Seth… And then her mother has to take her back and if she sits in your office and does nothing for seventeen visits in a row, that’s fine.
Stephanie… Em hmm. What if she refuses to go? You mean the mother would have to forceful to say, “You’re going!”
Seth… Or you’re punished again.
Stephanie… Right.
Seth… See, it is the upping of the ante where the idea is, I can control that is the difficult situation here. The more she controls the less she has to do. She becomes the King or Queen and passes judgments on everyone else. Do you understand?
Stephanie… Yeah, now, is there an underlying fear of hers that she cannot handle herself so she…
Seth… No, I want it for me!
Stephanie… This is not about fear of growing up, fear of doing? She just doesn’t want to…
Seth… I want it my way. I am a selfish individual who wants it my way. And again, you start asking questions, why are you here? Well, however she answers you are going to revert to the situation, I am here to make sure that these type of problems don’t happen with your husband, with your friends and if I disagree with what you are doing I have to have the ability to tell you that I disagree with what you are doing.
Stephanie… Em hmm.
Seth… But I am not judging you I am just telling you what is going on as you are presenting the information.
Stephanie… Right.
Seth… Are there any other questions?
Stephanie… I wanted to ask about Natalie and I am trying to nail down for myself what is going on in terms of her difficulties with school. You know, if in fact she has major processing issues which I know she does and that is affecting her ability to remember certain facts, math issues…
Seth… Repetition is what she needs.
Stephanie… The repetition of everything she learns over and over.
Seth… It is an ingraining of a process that will make her successful.
Stephanie… Em hmm, because it seems like she learns something, she understood tonight when I was teaching her but then tomorrow or the next day she may forget.
Seth… She doesn’t hold on to it.
Stephanie… Why isn’t she holding on to it?
Seth… Because she is not retaining it. In other words, because habit for her is very important and when she doesn’t work on habitual ways of doing something, she doesn’t grasp it. She puts it over here and then when she goes to retrieve it, she says…
Stephanie… She forgets.
Seth… “What did I put over here?” Do you understand?
Stephanie… Because she is not caring or doesn’t pay attention?
Seth… Neither. It is…
Stephanie… Neither?
Seth… That is neither. What she doesn’t have is the ability of recall. It is like having a computer that doesn’t have enough memory. So, things are shunted all over the place and when it comes time to retrieve them, it becomes very difficult.
Stephanie… So, the answer is practice?
Seth… Practice and the repetition, over and over and over and over again.
Stephanie… So, is this always going to be going on with her brain in a sense? The idea…
Seth… It might very well but when she learns to foster herself…
Isabella… She will develop coping strategies.
Seth… She will learn how to deal with what she has to learn. For example, the man through whom I speak is dyslexic by your standards, yet he routinely learns things and gave himself enough strategies that his learning difficulties were eliminated. When he was much younger, he would have difficulties when reading to remember what line he was on. When he finishes an end to a line even to this day, he will sometimes go up or back a line in his reading abilities because he doesn’t remember, and his eyes don’t focus to the next line down.
Stephanie… Natalie has that a little bit.
Seth… So, he very simple learned a solution of putting his finger on the line that he is reading on. Did you ever see his hand like this (Demonstrates.) and he moves down, down, down and he reads.
Stephanie… And sometimes it seems that Natalie has that issue. I wonder if I should have her put her finger on the line.
Seth… That she is reading.
Stephanie… Yeah, and is that a recall?
Seth… That’s a process of remembering where you are.
Stephanie… Yeah, yeah that’s not… (Unclear.)
Seth… It’s a coping strategy. Whether she is or she is not…
Betty… (Betty is on a phone so it is difficult to make out.) When working with… complicated stuff I use to teach them to open and close boxes as a way of helping them organize material? Would that be helpful?
Seth… Anything is helpful, any strategy that works for any individual whether it is opening and closing a box, whether it is index cards, whether it is anything that you can do to promote repetition is profitable.
Stephanie… Now there are so many, you know obviously things for her to learn. How is she going to be able to practice this type of repetition over?
Seth… Because it becomes natural.
Stephanie… But how would I know which to do with her? There’s so much.
Seth… It is not a question of so much, there are certain ideas that she will immediately grasp and become part of her.
Stephanie… Right.
Seth… There are other ideas that she will have to repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, over and over again.
Stephanie… Like the ones, tens, hundreds, that seems to confuse her.
Isabella… That is very complicated.
Seth… Yes.
Stephanie… You know the rounding are things it seems I have to keep repeating.
Seth… That is a difficult concept for most children to understand.
Stephanie… Right, so for her and the problem solving when there are word problems.
Seth… Right because she is not understanding the words (Other people talking at the same time.) in the order that they are given.
Stephanie… And also, the language she doesn’t understand.
Isabella… Of course.
Stephanie… You know, “give all the forms of matter of water.” It was just the idea of that it was stated something like that. She had no idea what that meant.
Seth… But yet, she learned it that way, but the words confused her.
Stephanie… So how is she going to take a test?
Seth… It’s very simple, by constant repetition of what is necessary for her to learn.
Isabella… Or… (Stephanie said something about a test and it being wordy.) that’s not true, she might need resource room where what they do is restate each question.
Seth… Right.
Isabella… They say it to them in different language.
Stephanie… But she does need that!
Isabella… Then that’s what she needs.
Stephanie… In terms of test taking?
Isabella… Yes!
Stephanie… How am I going to get her on to…
Isabella… On her I.U.P…
Stephanie… Right.
Isabella… she needs, as part of an I.U.P. tests taken in a separate location…
Stephanie… She does.
Isabella… and questions read.
Stephanie… Read to her…
Isabella… redirected…
Stephanie… in a plain… yeah… (Said contemplatively.) I don’t know if she can get, if they really have that.
Isabella… Well, they are going to need to test her to see what is going on.
Stephanie… Yeah, but she didn’t test well enough for resource room.
(The rest of this session was devoted to how Stephanie could follow up with her daughter’s educational needs and how she would have to advocate for her within the education system Isabella was very supportive in this regard.)
Seth… Are there any other questions?
Let me leave you with this: The ability to change, the ability to support, are linked with each other. You cannot have one[FN1] without the other when you deal with other individuals. The support you give to others will enable you to fulfill your needs and therefore your wants lessen.
A pleasant evening, to all.
(Session ended at 10:02)
