On Believing You Are Special And Can Make A Difference And Judging Yourself And Others With Equality
Tuesday April 15, 2008
8:30 p.m.
Seth… Good evening. A pleasure to have all of you here. Let us go into the idea on our topic of Change. A little bit of information here, Jasmine sent out an electronic mail that basically depicted a story that a teacher called up each student in turn and explained to them why they were special and made a difference. They then were each given a number of tags that said, “I’m special, I make a difference” and she passed them out and kept track of what was going on. The interesting point of the story here is that most individuals never feel or appreciate the fact that first they are unique and second whatever they do or do not do does make a difference.
Our friend Frank as well as most therapists has innumerable stories where people did not know or understand the fact that what they do matters. Teachers in whatever teaching position they are in rarely have the long-range concept of what a difference they should and often do make with their students. Change itself for most, as previously stated, is far from easy and one must always look to what a difference you have made towards someone else, and this is often omitted or forgotten especially when you are in an adversarial position with another. It is far too easy for individuals to get angry and with anger comes a loss of the conscious mind as well as the loss of reason. You cannot force another to do your bidding. How often do parents make a suggestion to children that they totally ignore? It is these difficult positions that one finds themselves in that you forget that you can and do make a difference.
Which is more profitable, having someone to succumb to your way of thinking or to open a discussion so that both sides of an issue may be explored? The idea here, commonly is the fact that I must win. It is not ever a question of winning; it is a question of perception and understanding. No matter how you delve into any situation change never occurs when you try to force an issue when you do not make it profitable for the other.
On a grand scale a political situation that you would call Communism inflicted damage onto millions of individuals. The state had rights the individual had few or none. So where is the profit of working hard? For most who inhabit the physical plane are average and as hard as one works, they never feel special. They do not believe that they can make a difference and this statement is factual from the grand scale which I have just described to two individuals having a difference of opinion, individuals can be a husband and wife, two friends for it matters not.
If you believe that you are special and can make a difference, then it is your destiny to make sure that others feel the same way about themselves. You must be the one who challenges and promotes their change. This is what all great teachers do! What talents does another have that are not being used? How can you help them create and become that which they see in their dreams? That is how someone becomes special to themselves when their dreams become their reality.
Commonly we tend to judge others by our own individual standards. It is interesting to note that we rarely judge ourselves by those same harsh standards. As an exercise one must look internally and write down all your “supposed weaknesses” and when you each have a list of twenty or thirty weaknesses and you all do, pick the top five and ask yourself the following what have I done to lessen and improve these weaknesses? And if you are honest with yourself, you will find that you have done little.
Unfortunately, most individuals believe that they have done a great deal to make change. This is obviously a camouflage system that individuals create to delude themselves so that in reality they can tolerate that which they are. The judgment of others is far easier than for self. Therapists, when they choose to view individuals correctly, will often see that the accusations that one patient makes towards others clearly demonstrates the same gross inadequacies within self. How does the self tolerate this? The self usually blames someone else, for it is far too painful to judge what you are as compared to what the other is.
How do you make a difference here when you judge so critically? Individuals make errors in judgment, their perceptions are inadequate, their thought processes are faulty, yet people cast themselves in the superior role. “Why should I? That person doesn’t appreciate,” is the common cry of many individuals. Don’t you see what you are doing? Look how you hurt the other. There is an old expression that is written down in one of your religious books that clearly states, “He who is without sin and guilt let them cast the first stone.”
How often have you cast the first stone? Looked for an argument, pointed a finger, been intolerant because you ‘knew,” knew that you were right. Did you make a difference there? Were you proud of yourself? Were you the judge and jury and in reality, the executioner? All these make a difference. “Do not judge least ye be judge,” is another statement. Did you show compassion when someone made an error even if that error was a difficult one for you to accept or acknowledge.
Most individuals grow up with “loving parents and relatives” and you were taught at a very young age, and it is required of you to please other individuals and if you do not, love is withdrawn, punishments given. The judgments that are made influence that which you are. How can you please someone without first pleasing yourself? Repeat that statement. How can you please someone else without first pleasing yourself? If you decide to “give” things away, you are then in a position to make yourself a victim of anyone and everything. One must take stock and determine that which promotes you without causing another to fall short.
How often do you have an argument when you insist that the other does not or cannot attain your standards of excellence? A simple example here, Shanna who has taken some time off from this table came to the conclusion that she desired to come back, the reasons of course matter not. Do I sit and judge her and say look at what you missed? The lessons that you did not have, the learning that should have been yours or do I try to please her and to say that you make a difference here, your presence is a blessing and that we congratulate you for the bravery you have shown by coming back. When she understands that she does make a difference to all those who sit here, to a reader of this material because of the questions she asks, then she promotes herself and we must encourage her and not judge her.
I believe it is far too easy, too tempting to be critical. It is far harder to encourage someone even when they are failing or make mistakes, to encourage them to try again, to foster a relationship that benefits both, that helps each individual to become better than what they were a moment before. That is how you make a difference. That is why Jasmine’s electronic mail was important.
Each individual may take away that which they choose to believe is important from any discussion. It is your responsibility to understand their plight. You promote them by promoting yourself. Judge yourself before you judge another. Use the same critical criteria that you have for another on yourself. It should be noted here that I am not stating that one should never find fault with someone else. That is foolishness and it is also not possible. Individuals do and should be allowed to make errors in judgment, their actions cannot ever be perfect. And when you come to the conclusion that someone is incorrect and does need your assistance, offer that assistance but don’t judge, don’t be critical. Be the kind friend, the helpful one who goes out of the way to promote change within another as well as self. You cannot obtain peace for yourself without sharing it with others.
One may not like or understand another’s motivation when they disagree with what another attempts to do and this is perfectly acceptable. This is something that is normal, I encourage it, but ask yourself the following if proper change is to take place who appointed me as the judge and jury. Make a difference, know that you as well as the other is vastly important, and your life’s actions will be far easier. Judge yourself before you judge another, please yourself before you please another and your existence will be much more profitable.
I believe at this point we will take a break.
(Break at 9:08)
Seth… Let us continue. Are there any questions?
Frank… Could you just explain further the aspect of how we may judge self harshly but judge first others harshly, that whole, could you just go over that again?
Seth… It is far easier, oh and by the way here we are going to judge you now. You have till May 7th to type this session. It will certainly help you. You can smile at that.
Now other than that being stated, when you judge others… (Krypto, Isabella’s dog who has spent many sessions by or under the table moaned. She is very energy sensitive and over the years has reacted to sessions acutely but tolerates this well now. Upon moaning Frank said, “Right” and the group laughed…) you do not judge fairly. You have a great tendency to give a set of standards of what you believe is correct or incorrect towards others.
Jasmine… Now this is what everybody does?
Seth… Correct. (Seth was tapping Stephanie’s notebook.) You need this.
Jasmine… You have a tendency to give standards…
Seth… You set a set of standards that you judge others by that are quite difficult, harsh if you will. Now…
Jasmine… Go slower please.
Seth… Tell me when you are ready. Those harsh set of standards most people believe are not as harsh as what they use to judge themselves; for the most part that is untrue. Now let me explain…
Jasmine… What you just said is not true? You made it sound like what you were telling us was true, now you’re saying it is not true?
Seth… No, I said most people create a set of standards that they believe are fair to others, but they are very harsh. Most individuals then believe how they judge themselves is harsher than how they judge others. That portion of that statement is not true, meaning you do not judge yourself, most people do not, more harshly than you judge others. You judge others with a very, very small and strict interpretation of “the law”, as set down by you.
What don’t you have, Jasmine?
Jasmine… I just thought and read when judging others, you don’t judge fairly. The tendency is to give standards that you judge others by that are harsh. Those harsh standards most people believe are as harsh as what they do to judge themselves…
Seth… No, most people believe that the standards that they use to judge themselves are harsher.
Jasmine… Those harsh standards most people believe are?
Seth… Harsher to judge self than they use to judge others. In other words, your standards are more difficult for yourself then they are for another.
Jasmine… They believe they are harsher? (Jasmine continued to work from notes.)
Seth… Towards self then they are towards another. In other words, how you would judge, for example, do you have a set of standards that you look at Isabella and judge her by? And you believe you would judge yourself in a much more critical manner. Do you understand that so far?
Jasmine… I judge her with a certain set of standards, but I think I would judge myself even harder?
Seth… Even harder, that is what that first part of that statement means. In reality you judge Isabella far harsher than you ever judge yourself. You are more critical of her than you are of you.
Jasmine… It seems as if this is the same thing said three times, because the last thing I wrote, you said, “you don’t judge others more harshly than you do yourself.”
Isabella… No, you missed that.
Seth… You missed that.
Stephanie… No, no… (Stephanie re-read a portion from notes.)
Jasmine… So, you judge others harsher, more harsher.
Seth… Correct. Did that help you, Frank?
Frank… Yeah. I think I am fairly harsh with self.
Seth… You’re harsh with self…
Betty… Isn’t it a question of quality versus quantity?
Seth… Repeat that Betty, please so that everybody can hear.
Betty… I said and it is my understanding, and it is almost a question of quality verses quantity. I may judge myself, let’s say mildly harsh but a lot of the time. I may let myself off the hook a little bit more easily than I would judge someone else, however the judgment itself towards another is more harsh.
Seth… Fair enough statement. You, Frank, judge yourself under a narrow set of guidelines as well as everyone else does. Now because you are judging yourself under a very narrow set of guidelines you don’t use those narrow guidelines to look and judge others you use a very broad set of guidelines therefore you must be harsher with others than you are with yourself. You understand?
Frank… What do you mean by narrow? Like give me of example of narrow guidelines.
Seth… Your narrow guidelines would include the fact that you overanalyze things. It’s a very narrow point of view but the reasons why you do it and how you do it and where you do things, you apply to other people who are having similar difficulties.
Frank… That’s broader?
Seth… Much broader.
Frank… So that’s tougher on them?
Seth… Of course, it is tougher on them. Because when you limit that which you see…
Frank… I see a lot more with them.
Seth… Correct.
Frank… And I block myself from seeing (me).
Seth… Correct
Frank… So, I don’t take in what’s going on to judge.
Seth… Correct.
Frank… Okay.
Seth… Are there any other questions?
Isabella… (Laughing) I want to ask…I am trying to spare Frank.
Frank… Ah, go for it.
Isabella… I’m having a hard time obviously with what we discussed last night.
Seth… Correct. I could have told you he wouldn’t show up tonight but…
Isabella… Who George?
Seth… Yes.
Isabella… Oh, that’s very funny.
Seth… That would have been a futuristic answer so I wouldn’t do that.
Isabella… That’s alright but thank you for seeing me last night. And in regards to this jealous piece that I am feeling, I’d like some insight into how I can curtail that and really not go there because you have said to me, you don’t have loyalty, we discussed that yesterday. And so again something happened today, and I am feeling this whole jealous side, and I don’t really want to feel that way.
Seth… Are you not judging what he is doing?
Isabella… I’m absolutely judging what he is doing.
Seth… Are you not doing the same thing?
Isabella… I am absolutely doing the same thing.
Seth… Please explain to me what your definition of jealously is.
Isabella… I’ll tell you exactly what it is; I don’t want him to like somebody more than he likes me.
Seth… No, no, that is a specific. Do you see how when you judge you become very narrow minded, “I don’t want him to,” yet when you apply it to others it widens out.
What is jealousy?
Isabella… Jealousy is a feeling of… How do you define jealousy?
Seth… Okay, I will put a pause here, go upstairs, get a dictionary and come downstairs with the book. We shall wait.
As an aside, one of the more difficult things about language is the fact that most individuals use words but have no concept as to what they really mean. That is why language is the poorest form of communication. Individuals are far more adept at reading body signals, facial expressions than they are in using words.
We now are looking up with the word jealousy… it starts with a J by the way.
Isabella… I know! J, E, oh there we are.
Seth… Read it out loud please.
Isabella… Quality or condition of being jealous. Would you like me to read jealous?
Seth… Yes.
Isabella… Very watchful or careful in guarding or keeping, resentful, suspicious of a rival or rivaled influence a.k.a. husband jealous of other men, resentful, envious, requiring exclusive loyalty.
Seth… Do you not see?
Isabella… But I have absolutely no right to that.
Seth… Now you have an answer, what is your answer?
Isabella… That I have no right to be jealous.
Seth… Not only do you not have a right to be jealous, but you have an understanding of the word. You used the word…
Isabella… I knew what the word meant though…
Seth… Really then why could you not explain it?
Isabella… Because “jealousy” is very hard to put into words.
Seth… No, it is not because there it is in front of you. When you use a term that you “know what it means” but have no way of explaining it then you do not know what the word means.
Isabella… But why, my question is with all the things that he has been saying to me and we have been discussing why is he you know, checking out his J-Date profile.
Seth… And why shouldn’t he?
Isabella… I can’t fit… because I’m… the best. (Laughter.)
Seth… You’re lucky that I assigned this session to Frank first before you.
Isabella… No, I am….
Seth… You also have one that you have to do.
Isabella… Yes, that’s why you didn’t assign this on to me.
Seth… How is “The Secret” going and speaking to the man through whom I speak?
Isabella… I have to talk to him.
Seth… I thought that might be helpful.
Isabella… I feel like I am being overly critical of this guy in terms…
Seth… You are being overly critical of yourself.
Isabella… How is it of myself?
Seth… Because you are so unsure of yourself that he is going online, you’re worried about you standing up to his situation.
Isabella… Right.
Seth… Okay, are we finished now?
Isabella… So, what do I do? Help me out here, give me some advice.
Seth… I did.
Isabella… When?
Seth… Just before, did you read a word? Do you understand what you are doing?
Isabella… I understand completely what I am doing.
Seth… Then should you continue to do it?
Isabella… I could choose to just not do that?
Seth… Well, that would certainly be a profitable idea.
Isabella… So, should I just proceed in the situation as though he is not doing those things, or?…
Seth… Of course, because it matters not.
Isabella… Right. Okay. There is nothing I could really…
Seth… You’re judging him more harshly than you judge yourself. That is why this lecture is important.
Isabella… You’re right because it is completely fine for me to do it.
Seth… There you understand.
Isabella… No, it’s true, it is a double standard.
Seth… I’m not disputing that. Do you understand now, Frank?
Isabella… Did that help, Frank? (Stephanie laughs.) I’m glad that my trauma is helping you out.
Seth… Now that we have her trauma is helping you out, are there any other questions?
Jasmine…. I’m having a very difficult time with what happened with my conversation with my son tonight about his unhappiness with his job and my inability to do anything for him.
Seth… Should you be able to?
Jasmine…. No, I know that. Is there any insight you can give me as to, I mean could I suggest that he call a headhunter in his industry…
Seth… Let me ask you a simple question…
Jasmine…. Is there anything I should say or do for him, it’s very hard for me.
Seth… What steps has he taken, HE has not taken…
Jasmine…. He has interviewed with another company, he did…
Seth… How long ago?
Jasmine…. Just recently.
Seth… Would you say over a month ago?
Jasmine…. I think it may have been about a month ago.
Seth… What else has he done the month before that or the month since?
Jasmine…. I really don’t know. I don’t discuss that with him, he discusses it with me.
Seth… That is the problem you are dealing with. If someone is chronically unhappy and does not believe in themselves, you may give all the assistance that you can but that is as far as it can go. He is the one here who has to make “the change”. If he doesn’t make change, then all he will do is want and right now he is in a wanting situation. I want to have a better paying job. I want to be able to feel more free with money. I want to be able to… Yet what is he willing to do to ease his want? Does he stay later at work, or does he leave early? Does he apply himself or just wish for things?
Jasmine… I have no idea. He has been, this week alone he was at work twice very late, I know that for a fact. I don’t know; I don’t discuss his job with him.
Seth… Then you should not be so (upset?) therefore when you say what can you do, the only thing you can do is to say I was thinking about this, have you looked at a headhunter? Have you read the paper on a day-to-day basis to see what other things you might be interested in? Might you be willing to take a night course in school to help promote yourself? All these questions that you can ask may give him a sense of direction or he may just cast them off and just complain, which is certainly his style for it is easier to complain than it is to do something. Do you understand? You cannot fix this which is what you want to do, correct?
Jasmine…. I just want my child to be happy, that’s all.
Seth… No, notice you want, you want, it is not about you. It is about the child.
Jasmine…. I understand.
Seth… He has to make the decision to need to be different and until he makes the decision to need to be different then of course nothing occurs. For you certainly and I would encourage you to do so is to make a suggestion, ONCE. And then if he complains three months from now you say, well what did you do? How did you change? What actions have you taken? Do you understand?
Jasmine…. Em hmm.
Seth… Are there any other questions?
Let me leave you with this: make sure you are an inspiration to yourself as well as to others. Know that you can and do make a difference. Judge yourself and others with equality. Please yourself; please others in the same manner. In doing so your needs will be fulfilled and your wants lessened. Try to attain that which you seek so that others may do the same for themselves.
I bid you all a very fond good evening.
(Session ended at 9:49)
